making myself sick

One of my favorite poems has always been first fig by Edna St. Vincent Millay.

My candle burns at both ends,
it will not last the night,
but ah foes, oh my friends,
it gives a lovely light.

Somehow, I always felt that I was somehow immune to that extinguishing. My double wicked candle was going to burn endlessly by the force of my own will! Wrong! I find myself doing next to nothing right now. I am home sick. My nose and tears have been running for four days. When I allowed myself to get too tired I got sick.

I wasn't sleeping enough. I wasn't doing enough to care for myself. I gave too much away. I would tell my kids not to do this. I would not let mom do this. And yet...

So I am lucky. My nose is red. My throat is sore. And I am finally resting and renewing. The next step is to make different choices next time. This could become a much more serious problem, like heart disease or depression, if I do not pay attention. Mom's disease is long term, progressive and eventually terminal. May being her caregiver not follow suit!

So thank you Creator for giving me this lovely red nose, these chapped lips, this sore throat. My skin will heal and my behavior can change in time.

I am going back to bed, and sleep.

Amen.