After respite, panic

After a month of planning and an incredible amount of finagling, I managed to get 48 hours of respite.  This time it mostly worked.  It fell apart in the last three hours and now I am up in full blown back spasm and pain. Panic has returned to me.  Pardon me but...WTF?

Too much stress so I chose carefully my respite activity this time. I went away to B&B and for a spa day. That was wonderful. I had massage, body wrap, a manicure, pedicure a facial and my hair done. It was so nice to be taken care of and pampered.  I took a dear friend with me who was also a good caregiver. She did all the driving and helped with the planning.  The B&B was a little tired, but the innkeepers were pleasant and the gardens beautiful. I spent way too much money and never really had a good meal,(just bad luck mostly) but the company was good and for the most part the trip was very relaxing.

It is hard to get away. I got a phone call at least once a day to help with some detail, but the stress level was much less. My one big regret is that I didn't get to see my daughter. We almost made it but had to let it go at the very last minute. That is the source of most of this pain I think. My disappointment  at not getting to see her.  Daughters and mothers, what a job we do on our emotions with this amazing love relationship! She moved out permanently just a while ago (7 weeks maybe) and yet I miss her warm yet snarky presence constantly.

  Seeing my daughter in our plan came at the very end, like dessert. It was to be a short visit, no more than a hug, a tour of her classroom(she is a teacher now) and  a chance to feel her in my arms.  I had to cancel it and come straight home when my caregivers son was hospitalized and she had to leave.  My family members were not around for many good reasons involving life and there was no family back up here.  My best support, she who calls me PW, my friend from the caregivers support group and life, came at the drop of a hat and stayed with mom till I could return.  I am grateful.  But I am in such physical pain tonight from grief, I cannot rest.
I feel as if I used up everything I had to get away only to come back into a well of anxiety and pain. pain pain pain. God, take this sadness, this heartbreak away. Fill me once again with your love.

I fell asleep finally at 4:30.  I got up at 7am and we are back to the routine again.  I am planning a way to see my daughter now.  I hate exhaustion.

Amen