out from the ashes, again

Today was support group.  I look forward to support group as if it were the only light in a storm.
Today did not disappoint.   It is no secret I am struggling right now.  I have been more depressed than this but I don't remember ever being this tired.  I must have been, but I don't remember it.   All this week I have been struggling to regain my physical strength, and my emotional fortitude.

One of the most outstanding moments for me today came as we were exploring ways we feed ourselves, healthy and unhealthy, when we are trying to refill/renew from the constant stresses of caregiving.  At one point, it was my turn and our group leader asked me, as she had everyone serially, what do I do to recharge.  It was to be something other than escape (like reality television or sleeping). I read that as something intentional rather than just surrender.  As I struggled to think of ANYTHING, I realized how depleted I truly feel spiritually.

I finally admitted all I wanted to do was crawl into a corner and sleep for a year.  "depression", my recurrent companion. So, been there, done that.  What worked in the past to get out?

oh crud.

Pray. Check.
Meds. check.
Therapy. check.
Whine appropriately. Check
But what was the one major thing I did every time in the past?  Before the others?

I quit my job!!!
 (did I just do that by moving mom?)
I took a long break from whatever career/job I had and let myself BE. I took  from three months to 18 months, and retooled for something else. I went to school, changed careers, three times I have burned out and three times I ended up...moving on to something new.

Crud. Really?
I kinda like this job.
*sigh*

Before I do anything so drastic, again, I am going to really think on this.  Oh, who am I kidding, I am going to Grimelda.

Grimelda, who some call god,
ummm, Really?
Listening here.
Any time.

I'll be the one napping and waiting for enlightenment over there in the chocolate aisle.

Amen, Amen and Amen.

finding home

I actually wrote this a year ago.  I didn't finish the post and it was sitting in "drafts".  I am amazed that I am yearning for a different burnout.  Progression, slow but steady.  Hate he disease. Love the lessons.

October 2010

I finally got away, really away, an airplane trip and a week without work or mom.  I do feel rested.  It was good. I went to Sedona, Arizona, someplace renowned for its physical beauty, hiking, Native cultural sites and spiritual healing places.  I enjoyed the hiking. We joined friends there for the first two nights and that was a good time.  As usual, I ended up listening to the stressors and greif of others, but this time I didn't have to.  I care about these people and their stress is so much more than mine, I found it illuminating.  I feel affirmed that I actually have achieved more balance regularly. I like my life, crazy as it can get, and we are doing OK. The views were incredible, in spite of the coolness and recurrent rains.  There were all sorts of places where folks were clearly seeking connection with "Grimelda".

Thanks Grimelda!
Amen.   Oh and I posted twice today... It happens rarely.