independability

I have always been sharing my identity with another person. I was a partner in a competitive sport with my brother as a child. I was the assistant or associate or co-chair or you name it professionally until just recently. I have been the wife, the little sister and a dutiful daughter; all identities which define me as my relationship to another. After a lifetime of being somebody's partner, I have become accustomed to being co-dependant. It is as if I don't know what I want until someone else tells me. I have grown rather weary of constantly explaining myself to others only to have them tell me I need to figure out what I really want. I am finally listening and taking it to heart. As a codependent person it is revolutionary for me to put my own personal needs and desires first. For we folks struggling to affirm our autonomy being self centered is a holy act. Let us pray.

So much of what plagues this planet is beyond my capacity to understand or impact, it can be overwhelming. There is so much tragedy and suffering out there. There is danger behind every exhaust pipe and potential apocalypse in every human disagreement. For starters, I want the world to be a bit more compassionate and a whole heck of a lot kinder. I want people to be treated fairly in both the workplace and in the home. I want to recognize the holiness of care-giving, to reverence the wisdom of patience, and to allow ethical behavior to take precedence over power and money. There must be a better way to live life than the one causing all the emptiness and fear I see all around me. I am not the world, but I am a part of it. I want to be part of the change the world needs.

Big dreams for an individual person. Yes. I do dream big. Pretty pictures of redemption and glory, where all beings are calm and happy. I also dream small.

My small selfish dreams are more tangible, and akin too often to nightmares.
Sometimes my small hurts seem quite minuscule in perspective, yet they cloud my ability to think clearly, and consequently, work on the big dreams. So many small, spiritual injuries pile up and make an insurmountable obstacle to soul clarity.

Hey people! Picking up my pitchfork, let me shovel some of this spiritual dung out of the way. Let me clear a path to functionality. I want to stop being the one others can always depend on. The price of such dependability is too high. I want the freedom to sometimes say "no" when I am asked to work on the days everyone wants off, (like school vacations and holidays) without fear of losing the work at any time. I habitually do what must be done, when others with more power can or will not. I want to feel good about that choice or make another one. I am tired of being invisible when the easy and fun stuff is being handed out.

Sometimes it is even more concrete. I don't want to cater my own support celebration, just because it was on the calendar for months, expectant people are coming, fork in hand, and everyone thought someone else was doing it. No one remembered to order the cake. Co-dependant me bought the cake myself and served it to all. While I refuse to apologize for feeling disappointed, I also refuse to keep doing such ridiculous favors that harm me while helping others.

Ah...I see a little light over there now. What is that stinking, steaming pile over there?

I work several part time jobs. Someone said to me that in one of my work places, part timers are invisible. I have indeed found this to be true. It is bad enough that we don't get benefits or access to what our even half time co-workers take for granted. We know where we stand when we don't find out about the office celebration until after it happened and the pictures are published in the newsletter. In solidarity with my fellow per-Diem and contract colleagues, I will say something. I will no longer collaborate in my own marginalization if I can avoid it. May I say, "ouch."

My that one had quite a few flies...But it is already beginning to smell better around here. Is that something over there? It looks mighty familiar.

Hello family! Please notice that I help with, or purchase, every one's holiday, birthday, anniversary gifts, yet the people I help get all the thank you notes. I should not care. I am embarrassed that I do. I think perhaps it is because I have allowed myself to be invisibled again,even at home. Now, how to fix that? I will add my name to every "from" on the gift card from now on? I put time and effort into choosing that gift because I cared. Perhaps I should stop doing the gift shopping until I feel like caring again.

In the mean time, my dear ones, I don't need the stuff. Mostly, I really don't need the social lies. Gifts are a concrete expression of our feelings at best and an annoying obligation at worst. The whole gift giving thing is way out of control. I now have a huge file of rain checks for forgotten presents from family members, handed to me sheepishly with the words "it is on back order" or "it hasn't arrived yet" that end up never redeemed. Those excuses are becoming a shrine to being forgotten and I do not wish to worship there.
When giving a gift causes pain, don't do it. Just say, "I didn't get one" and let it go.

Smell that? Much clearer. Who knew we just needed to vent the stink out of room? But wait...It is still hard to see the way forward through the bulk ahead, even if the air is clearer, the pathway remains cluttered. How do we stop the piles from coming back? Change!

So...I am calling in the rain checks. I am saying "No Thanks" more often. Alas, I am an altruistic person by nature and do get good feelings when I help out. What to do? Now, I will decide when I need to step in and help and when I can just say no. Let's refuse to be used. It hurts, makes me angry and I don't like that. It is finally time to begin practicing the fine art of Independability!

Perhaps, what I want isn't a great deal different than what most people want. I want to be the protagonist in my life's story. My autobiography is supposed to have me in it at least, isn't it? It should have my voice in it by definition. For my sanity, I need to be the protagonist even if the story isn't about me. Otherwise it would be someone else's book. I want the people I am talking to, or writing to, actually paying attention to me, funny quirks, odd opinions and all, not their projection of who they want me to be. To do that I have to change my patterned behavior. Only I can break my own bad habits.

I am, after all, going to be the protagonist in my life's story. It is a good place to be interconnected with others lives. Relationality is a positive force and worthy of anyone's energy. That said, I don't want to come to die and realize I had lived my whole life only as character development and background color for someone else's saga.

Write your life. I will write mine....Then we can save the world cooperatively.

Amen.